Always in pursuit of something, that’s my state of mind.

Thinking about what I am about to write almost brings me to tears (in a good way).

Wanda was my boss. It was a painful goodbye when I had to leave Praxi in July. I had to go through the motions of being hurt and not wanting to have anything to do with the people I left, even if I missed them terribly.

Losing the job earlier than I expected surely made shifting careers more difficult. Aside from the stress that a no-name-yet-freelancer has to go through, my security blanket becomes smaller and smaller. I get more pressure from my mom for not having money to help them with their own monetary worries. I am faced with my own demons of trying to be successful in my chosen life alteration. I have lost my insurance which I started only last year. My weight has plateau-d instead of continued dropping. I am incapable of renting an apartment.

Good thing I have friends. Joann gave me a luggage of my choice which serves as my make-up kit. Judy and Nana gives me free make-up whenever they have extra, plus I can exhaust all the freebies that she brings home from work. I get treated to coffee and sometimes beer (Thanks Mica!). I am now a constant friends’ homes camper – meaning: I pack my bags and stay at a friend’s place just so I can eat a decent meal. I feel blessed for all my friends who have offered to adopt me every once in a while (Redge and Mommy Rovie being my more frequent stepparents, and the Panay people are my ever-welcoming stepsisters).

I hate being a free loader, although all these good things done to me now will surely be repaid in due time.

However, with all these little blessings, I feel that something in my life has been lacking. Last October, I took my first step to fill in the gaps of my life…

I sent my number to Wanda through business card. We sent a few messages of how are yous but nothing that toppled over the wall that I built myself.

Wanda wasn’t just my boss nor my best friend… She’s the big sister I’ve always dreamed my real older sister would be like. If she was not my former boss, she’d be with me as I go through my ordeals as a struggling freelance make-up artist. I know two and a half months of not talking to someone seems like a short time but it took me a lot of guts to ease up on whatever bad feelings I had.

Last Saturday, I got a message from Wanda inviting me to her birthday luncheon the next day. I offered to do her make-up as my birthday gift.

I wondered how seeing Wanda again would be like. It was a lucky thing for Conan to be there as a cushion of the situation. I hugged Wanda to send her my birthday greetings and to open up to her again. I know it’s not a perfect everything falling into place kind of thing. It’ll take more than one lunch to reawaken a friendship that was forcefully put into hibernation. Although, I’d still say we are at a pretty good start.

Been a while since my last post and I’m sorry to be posting in negative mode.

I just had to get this out of my system, vent out whatever it is that’s clogging my airtrack.

I have always been an independent child but that’s not to say that I was a bad kid. I had my misgivings, sure, but I’ve always kept my grades up, sometimes surprising even myself. But with all those little achievements I can only say that I was supported monetarily. I lacked the extra push or extra affection to go further than what I can. I used to suffer from being satisfied with what I can reach without trying too hard. I never had to fall too hard because I was never aiming too high.

(Shifting careers was the hardest yet for me.)

Anyway, this wasn’t about how i lived my life… This is about how I think I was brought up.
Sometimes, I think no matter how bad your parents raised you, it is your responsibility as a person with your own mind to make wise decisions. So I blame myself for the life I lead now but I’ve no regrets. However, with that statement, I have to pay tribute to how my parents tried to raise me.

Trivia, set 1:
1. Did you know that there are still parents in this world who never told their children they love them?
2. Did you know that there are still parents in this world who cannot talk to their children without raising their voice?
3. Did you know that there are still parents whom you can never please no matter what you do?
4. Did you know that there are still parents who will never recognize the little effort that you put into things?
5. Did you know that there are still parents who will never realize that they have hurt you, or that you shed a tear during christmas day?
6. Did you know that there are still parents who will never admit that they have made a mistake?
7. Did you know that there are still parents who will never be able to say sorry to you and yet expect that they deserve an apology?
8. Did you know that there are still parents who will never be proud of the children they raised, of what their children has become, of what their children stand for?
9. Did you know that there are still parents who will always be proud of their children’s net worth not how worthy they are of the life they lead?
10. Did you know that there are still parents in this world who never told their children they love them? (When sometimes saying it is enough to erase every single mistake, every single pain, every little hurt, every little itch, every little wound.)

Trivia set 2:
1. Did you know that there are children who will never be the first to say "I love you" to their parents for fear of being  rejected?
2. Did you know that there are children who’ve never once felt their parent’s hug after the age of 7?
3. Did you know that there are children who suffer from alienation in their own families?
4. Did you know that there are children who seem to live happy lives but is part of a broken family life?
5. Did you know that there are children who enjoy being part of other families just cause they feel they belong there more than in their own?
6. Did you know that there are children who will never do drugs but still live broken lives?
7. Did you know that there are children who will always feel inadequate because they were never accepted as they are?
8. Did you know that there are children who will suffer from weight problems because their own parents are only able to show their affection through the food they put on the table?
9. Did you know that there are children who will always crave for another life or wish they were given up for adoption when a barren chinese couple offered to take them cause they feel that they’re just too cute to pass?
10. Did you know that there are children who will  never be able to say  "I love you" to their parents because they never heard it from them in the first place?

All statements are based on years of extensive research.