Always in pursuit of something, that’s my state of mind.

Sherlyn - sher (the u in churn).lin (as in the i in lint) the name that appears on my birth certificate. A short name that is somehow complicated for a lot of people who encounters the name for the first time. Always either mispronounced or misspelled. I used to even mispronounce it myself, prolonging the short i on the second syllable. People mistake it for Cheryl, Shirley, Cherry, and the starbucks crew would often write Charlene on the cup. When starbucks used to still be a novelty, I often spelled it out for them, but now I don’t care much anymore. I know who I am anyway…

Bale - ba (as in the a in bat).le (the e in bed, with an immediate stop), short for Balenggay, which is a coined name for a newborn with a bent neck. This name was created by my grandfather’s sister, who up to now is still alive and living a rather sad life (karma). I was born a sickly kid, although I’ve no traces of that past now, I sure needed a lot of taking care of as a baby. I was born with a deffective neck that bent a little too obviously to the left, which could be an indication of the early stages of my hearing deficiency. My neck was sort of cured by some upside down neck massages, however if you check closely, my head still has a slight tilt to the left. (pictures!) There are only a few people I can name who still calls me by this awful name, my mother, my sister (sometimes), my eldest nephew, and my dear friend Trixie.

Sunshine - Sun.shine The nickname I always wanted to have. I even went to the point of campaigning this to the whole neighborhood. There is one neighbor, though, who thinks this name is perfect for me and even sings a sunshine song whenever he sees me. There may only be those few old folks around my old neighborhood who would still call me this — Tata Heng included. Now, it would be too weird to be called this since I have a good friend who also goes by this name.

Anyway, call me whatever way you want. Just make sure you know why you are calling me that way, and for christs sakes, if you didn’t used to call me Bale, don’t start now, I hate it. I can only take being called this by Trixie, cause she does it in an endearing way, and she’s always been a byotch.   

by james blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can’t break my spirit - it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.
I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

I hate having no choice. I hate not having an option to do what I want to do. Weird. I quit my job to supposedly do what I want to do. But I needed to do things I really don’t like to do to support what I really want to do. I’m sure you’re all saying “Duh!” in your head and wondering what all that meant. I’m sorry. I don’t mean for this to be read anyway. I just want to bitch and let this out of my system, although this will bug me until it’s over.

Last January, out of desperation for cash to come in, I accepted a video research job for a documentary on the

US

presence in

Mindanao

. I know: B-O-R-I-N-G! And it’s totally not who I am. I accepted it anyway, the “boss/client” is a friend anyway and more importantly Sunshine will be editing it. More fun, more chika! Well, as it turns out, working for friends ain’t really the best deal in life. (Gosh, Sherlyn, how many times do you have to get hit in the head to realize that?!) The monetary compensation for this is OK, not perfect but OK, after all it’s for an NGO.

As a researcher, I’m expected to transcribe the interviews, no matter how many. And of course to do video research. FIND VIDEOS that are relevant to the script. Sounds easy enough. Manage the money that is given to me and account for it.

I am so burnt out with this, to think I haven’t really put in that much work. Well, I’ve transcribed but did this at my own pace. I think I’m actually causing delay, which is one other reason I’m hating the job, because the file video gathering isn’t that easy to process after all.

Stupid me, I got the job not thinking about how little knowledge I have of current events. Actually, stupid me, I got the job not thinking how little I care about the topic. More importantly, stupid me, I got the job not taking note of my own tolerance levels. Stupid me, I got the job only for the money, and that almost always never turns out good. Herbert’s right. It’s not like I didn’t know what I was getting into when I got the job. Yeah, I did. But do I have a choice. No, I didn’t, and I still don’t. (Nanay ko: “kung sinusunod mo na lang kasi ako at nagtuturo ka na lang sa states, eh di hindi ka namomroblema sa pera, makakabili ka pa ng lahat ng gusto mo.”)

Worse yet… I bitched at Herbert for offering me this job and half-jokingly asked "Can I quit now?". I am not going to say sorry for what I said because I was being honest. I just hope he’d be more open as to why I got caught up in this.

I’m really all to blame. I just have to get this done.

I make it appear like I’m doing a totally crappy job. Maybe if I were my own PM, I won’t hire myself to do research again, but there are a few notable things I’ve done. I’ve actually done things that aren’t under my designation, like fix the budget, organize the budgeting file, do accounting for the expenditure (bec. in an ideal world, the researcher never does that). And for the things that I have to do, I’ve made sure that I kept an organized system of doing research.