Always in pursuit of something, that’s my state of mind.

Hate is such a strong word. I don’t think I’ve ever really hated anyone. And I believe that you can only really hate someone you’ve loved. At least it has to pass the realm of just being acquainted with the person before you can start using the word hate to refer to him/her.

I’ve used the word hate playfully, though. Saying “I hate you” teasingly or in a very lighthearted manner. But I’ve never meant it. I don’t want to ever mean it.

Hate is such a strong word. I don’t even want to go to that realm. Don’t make me.
This is just about the blog prior to this… I think that is why I’m never really angry. I’m just there, I get pissed but I don’t get mad or angry. I get irritated. I dwell on that. I mull over my feelings about that. I maybe bitter about it or won’t easily get over it…

but it never gets to the hate aspect of it all.

So to all of you, i was ever mad at, pissed off with, irritated, jealous of, envied, etc… I never hated you.

Hate is such a strong word… until you’ve loved someone you can never have… and you wish you could just hate him… but you don’t.

*** written at cafe del mar after two glasses of mai tai on an empty stomach plus two tablets of non-drowse neozep to combat my colds.(I think I’m on a high.)

Could’ve been (Carrie Underwood sang this on Idol too)

The flowers you gave me
Are just about to die
When I think about
What couldve been
It makes me want to cry

The sweet words you whispered
Didnt mean a thing
I guess our song is over
As we begin to sing

Chorus:
Couldve been so beautiful
Couldve been so right
Couldve been my lover
Every day of my life
Couldve been so beautiful
Couldve been so right
Ill never hold what couldve been
On a cold and lonely night

The memorier of our lovin
Still linger in the air
Like the faded scent of your roses
They stay with me everywhere

Everytime I get my hopes up
They always seem to fall
Still what couldve been is better than
What could never be at all

Repeat chorus

How could I hold what couldve been
On a cold and lonely night?

This was forwarded to me just this morning, it’s about how aquarians like me are when dealing with anger. I think it describes me perfectly except instead of walking away I’d prolly start crying.

You
are noble and kind and dislike losing control over your emotions. It is very
rare for you to get angry. You are also the pacifier in situations that involve
arguments. It is always your endeavor to be perfect and socially correct in your
behaviour and attitude, but if misunderstood and slighted you can give in to an
angry outburst. You will shout and scream and then walk out from the scene. You
cannot easily forget the situation nd will be bitter about it for a long time.

I have very low EQ (Emotional Quotient). If possible I’d want to have what I want when I want it. I don’t know how to hold back or do I have any sort of restraint towards getting what I want.

According to the principle of Multiple Intelligences, Emotional Intelligence is just one of many kinds. (These are the ones I know: Spatial, Kinesthetic, Musical, Mathematical, Environmental?, Social, Language, one that has something to do with Creativity, and another about being Academically Intelligent.)

Emotional Quotient is popularly known for its marshmallow test. You put a child in a room and with a present or something interesting (Usually a marshmallow on a plate) and tell the child not to open or eat or play or touch or peek through whatever it is while an adult goes out for a while. The child who does what is told is said to have high EQ, while the child who at least tries to get away with a little peek or a simple touch has less. The high EQ child performs better in life.

Had this test been done to me today, I should terribly fail. I so live for the here and now. And that’s not good. There is after all tomorrow and maybe a bit later.

For reference: Multiple Intelligence test

And that is just a long introduction to what I want to happen now.

I want to get over it. Knock my head on a wall and just stop the insanity. But what is a decent amount of time for grieving? A month? A week? A few days? A moment? Or until the next one comes along?

Do you judge a person for getting over something too quickly or too long? Does it gauge how much better an individual you are if you take too much or too less an effort to get yourself on track?

I wanted to get over it the moment I got that bad news, that was about 2 weeks ago, but I’m not anywhere near that territory yet. On my way home last night, I passed by the bar where my roommate works just to say hi. With the thought of getting over in my head, I told my friend maybe I should go flirt by the bar. When I did go to the bar to get beer, there was an a-hole who was just way too drunk, that reminded me why I didn’t resort to that solution before: I’m not looking for a tourist who’s just passing by. I’m looking for constancy and proximity, not even a commitment. Just something normal…

Guess I’ve grown up to be a very impatient woman.

I’ll be okay by Amanda Marshall (OST: My Bestfriend’s Wedding)

It’s time to let you go
It’s time to say goodbye
There’s no more excuses
No more tears to cry

There’s been so many changes
I was so confused
All along you were the one
All the time I never knew

I want you to be happy
You’re my friend
But it’s so hard to let you go now
All that could have been
I’ll always have the memories
She’ll always have you
Fate has a way of changing
Just when you don’t want it to

[Chorus]

Throw away the chains
Let love fly away
Till love comes again
I’ll be okay

…

I can’t hold on forever baby
I’ll be okay

I was sort of informed that my blog entries are harsh, too bitchy and mighty selfish.  If you felt that I didn’t give you due credit; or if I have maligned you in any way; or if you feel that I have been so self-absorbed: My sincerest apologies. I hope next time if this happens again, tell me right away, I do like changing for the better and part of that is knowing the mistakes I make.

Just to give an explanation to my behavior. I guess, I have been caught up in my own little adventure not realizing that other people have lives too and the interest with each other should be shared equally and not hogged. But also, I hope you do understand that I never really have much share of the limelight in our history together, that moment was something big to me. And it isn’t just about the juicy details, it was the big 3 month adventure I had. The juicy ones are just icing on the cake. Also, I guess I’m not as adept as others when it comes to having an audience. I’m better with smaller groups (max 2 people, otherwise sometimes, i feel that people are ganging up on me (defense wall goes up) i become less open.)

One more thing, I hope you also entitle me to own my feelings and be open about it. When I thought I was trivialized, that’s what I felt. If that wasn’t the case, then it’s just a misunderstanding. As I have said above, all you gotta do is tell me.

Now, I’ve never thought of myself as insensitive. I’ve always sort of considered myself in touch with reality, especially towards people. I guess sometimes , I’m not always like that. Maybe my radar was down or my instincts have been weighed down by my adventure (possibly, by the 9 day trip home, it was exhausting). With all honesty, insensitivity is one of the major things I hate about people, and with that, I don’t want to be insensitive myself.

Again, I’m sorry.

I fell for a McSteamy. (reference: Grey’s Anatomy) Every girl wants him or at least finds him attractive. He gets them to bed. He’ll be over each one in a matter of seconds unless you were his Addison, who wants dreamy than steamy. Ergo, I have yet to have a McDreamy before I become his Addison. But when, I get my McDreamy, I will have no more use for just a Steam. Well, he just has to be only my McDreamy can’t have no Meredith in my version.

I can’t make you love me
Carrie Underwood’s audition piece for American Idol

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don’t patronize – don’t patronize me

Chorus: cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t

I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me
Morning will come and Ill do what’s right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Chorus: cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t

***Who’s forcing who?

Disclaimer: This is not about marriage.

A revisit of the book “The Unbearable Lightness of Being”, by Milan Kundera

The book’s main theme is about a man’s philandering ways. Tereza is a woman who believes in coincidences. Taken by these certain coincidences she falls for the most philandering man in the whole of Prague, Tomas. He keeps many mistresses, one of which is Sabina, a painter and his most devoted. Who also became a mistress to another married man, Lawrence.

Throughout this book you find quotes that are worth rereading:

About realizing LOVE – …Just make someone who has fallen in love listen to his stomach rumble, and then the unity of body and soul, that lyrical illusion of the age of science, instantly fades away.

About CHANCE – Necessity knows no magic formulae – they are all left to chance. If a love is to be unforgettable, fortuities must immediately start fluttering down to it like birds to Francis of Assisi’s shoulders.

About LIVING and possibly the AFTER LIFE – (from a German adage) ‘Einmal ist keinmal, says Tomas to himself. What happened but once, says the German adage, might as well not have happened at all. If we only have one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all.   

About SUBMISSION - ..love… meant a longing to put himself at the mercy of his partner.

About LETTING GO – But when the strong were too weak to hurt the weak, the weak had to be strong enough to leave.

About WHAT I FELT 2 months ago – It was vertigo. A heady, insuperable longing to fall.

Growing up, I have had issues with fidelity and loyalty. My Mom as I have witnessed is a very loyal friend and wife thus eventually making me put a weighty value on the friendships that I keep. I don’t think my loyalty and dependability is something my friends doubt of me. The men around me, my Dad included, have always had questionable fidelity. My grandfathers from both sides of the family had extra-marital affairs, even having children from these.  I never thought, I’d be part of anything that could amount to infidelity.

Womanizing was something that men just do. And loving women equally is possible. But that’s the perspective of the weak.

To me, infidelity is not a question of living up to what is expected (since you’re a man); or if you actually love all of ‘em women with the same fervor for each; maybe some would argue that they don’t love any of ‘em anyway that it’s just a trivial sex.

Fidelity is a man’s measurement of strength and will power. A woman is a man’s biggest temptation. The strongest of men are the ones who can resist that temptation. 

In Manila, I sort of had a “flirty” relationship with someone who has a girlfriend. Here in Boracay, I sort of had a short-lived stint as the object of someone’s dumb ways. (That’s how he calls his womanizing, being dumb.)

Another point to consider, one in which I question myself: Is the woman who cause the infidelity liable for anything? Is she to blame? In this, I can only claim stupidity and/or ignorance. However, being the educated person that I am, I know for a fact that if I were the girlfriend, I’d hate the other woman. And if I were just one of many, I’d quit being part of that “party.” (or not… tsk… tsk…)

And then you realize, it’s not even about how educated you are but about how much you value yourself.

(There goes another argument. How do you know if you have the right value for yourself? What is too picky, too meticulous, too hard to please, too elite? And what is too lenient, too loose, too easy to please, too easy period?)

And what if the other woman has fallen? Is she still to blame? Can she control it? Here, I don’t have any answer at all. Love is after all un-define-able, it’s prone to bias. As much as love is a decision, it can be right or wrong, and both at once.

I’ve been a very bad girl the last 8 days…

I think I gained 5lbs during this trip. I haven’t run for 10 days. And I’ve been totally sluggish, if not for the moving around bit (going back and forth Manila-Cavite) I would have gained more than 5.

With my flatulence, I was almost tempted to smoke. Good thing my will power with regards to not smoking is strong. (I actually gave in to just one puff a while ago.)

I have eaten a month’s worth of food if I were in Boracay. That’s how much food I’ve had. My tummy was never empty it never rumbled to tell me it needs feeding like i’d usually experience in Bora. (Eat only when you’re hungry)

My most sinful night was last night. Tita Beth served us Pavlova with kiwi, passionfruit dressing and whipped cream on top (in fairness, splenda was the sweetener of choice for this cream) . Had 2 slices.

This is the number one reason I’m going back to Boracay… so I could go back to my very physically active mornings.

About two weeks ago, I made a promise to never talk about my Boracay story when it has concluded already. But I’ve broken this promise three times.

Trivialized
My first audience is a bunch of college friends, drinking buddies. After several appointments in the day, my last stop was at Panay, when they’ve already had drinks, I suppose. I wasn’t really listened to, they were only interested with the juicy details, not the stuff that mattered to me.

Revered
A book could be written about it: “What happens in Boracay goes to Manila…”  Mica listened to me with sincere effort. If she weren’t only going through her own battles, I would have told her about my adventures from the very start. She would have been a good ally.

Also, she’s gone through it all. And I was just taking my first steps… At the end of the story, Mica was happy for my experiences that shall teach me life lessons…

Interrogated more aptly INTERRUPTED

Saying it all over again for the third time, I was tired and bored of it. I was with a bunch of biyatches whose idea of listening is shutting you with questions after questions when the story hasn’t even started yet, when you’re building up the story that would eventually lead to the answer. And they also wanted graphic details.

Plus there was a major interruption when I was about to end the story. After which, I just immediately ended with just saying I don’t want to be part of something messy.

Simplistic

Life is a series of simple thoughts being jumbled into complications by the people who try to make sense of it. Making things appear bigger than what it is, when life is better dealt with in simpler terms. It is the simpletons who experience the most real sort of happiness.

Last Friday, I was introduced to Joewell, who would most positively change the way I do the things I do.

My heart made a cartwheel when I saw him for the first time. I couldn’t believe my excitement as I move closer to him. He looked strangely confident wearing a blue coat.  The first moment we touched, I knew I met the one. He was impossibly light. Gliding and making fast and precise strokes. I was overcome with awe when it made it’s first slide.

Oh GAWD!!!

I’m in love with my new cutting shears, my Joewell M1, made with a liquid silver finished stainless steel.

I know I’ll get over this shears’ beauty when I meet my SAMURAI.

I’ve never felt more naked in my life.

(Currently Listening to the Soundtrack of my life.)

Number one on my agenda for this trip to Manila is to get my braces removed. I painstakingly moved my schedule around my Dentist’s availability. Booked the flight when I was sure that’s the perfect date. The morning of my flight I get a text from my Dentist.

"Text ka bago ka punta sa clinic, kasi nagpatanggal ako ng cyst at check up ko mamaya sa Dasma." (Text me before coming to the clinic, cause I had my cyst removed and it’s time for my check-up at Dasma.)

At about 5pm, she hasn’t been attended by her physician yet. Luckily, she understood me enough to open her clinic doors for my braces’ removal at 10.30pm.

Now, I’m braces less. And it just feels weird not having the wires and steel all over, touching the walls of my mouth. My lower lip is the one feeling the oddest. It tends to pout now or hang open.

It feels clean though. Like whatever I eat, I won’t have anything hanging between my  teeth.

However, there’s that sense of something lacking, like how you’d possibly feel in a dream where you are walking naked on the halls and nobody even pays attention like it’s the most normal thing.

I’m actually glad that they are off, just that I have to get used to not having ‘em.

(I know there’s lots of other benefits with not having braces anymore. Let’s just say everything will be easier from now on.)